Talking dirty to a new connection: a manual
“Recently a man I’ve been seeing for a short time politely asked me to ‘talk dirty’. What? ‘
Words! I love them, big fan. They are so versatile, useful for many different functions. Whether it’s making plans, conveying feelings to ordering coffee, words are such useful little nuggets for everyday living.
That’s not to say, however, that they can be deployed with reckless abandon: words require skill to achieve the desired impact. If you haven’t said the wrong thing at the wrong time and suffered nothing but horrible consequences, well, you haven’t lived yet. If you didn’t say the wrong thing at the wrong time during sex, well the drinks are on me.
A great environment to use too many words, for example, is Sunday brunch. Especially when it comes to a full debriefing from the day before on eggs and avocado. I recently found myself in such a scenario with my girlfriends – and as is often the case – the conversation turned to Dirty Roulette sex.
Halfway through dissecting the details of one of our Saturday night sex conquests, a friend explained to the table that the man she first landed in the sheets had asked her to talk dirty for the entire duration of their relationship. Not knowing the guy well enough to generate tailor-made observations, she rather felt… put in the spotlight. And I empathized – it’s a situation I’ve experienced as well.
I have always considered an impromptu request to speak dirty in the nascent stages of seeing someone akin to being asked to tell a spontaneous joke in a job interview – it is almost impossible to come up with an impressive delivery. (and appropriate) on site. And like anything that looks fundamentally forced, the results can be uppercase.
Dirty speech. This is undoubtedly a case where words require delicate handling. But if used correctly, it can pay very good dividends. The most obvious problem is this: It’s hard to generate a genuine, tailored conversation with someone you barely know. And the workaround – going back to the clichés – can seem ridiculous to the point of farce, spilling out of your mouth like a verbal parody.
If you’re like me (an over-the-top Olympic thinker) it can lead to a buzzkill that ruins the moment. Stuck with the debilitating internal debate that doesn’t do wonders for the mood, topped with the ubiquitous thought: do I look as ridiculous as I think I am?
For something that should be a lot of fun and sexy in theory, this can be an incredible amount of stress in practice.
Fear not, like any difficult situation related to sex (or in general), it can be resolved by addressing some existential questions: Can a dirty conversation bypass these embarrassing situations? What do others consider dirty? More so, what about even a light up?
The short answer is: Sexual arousal occurs in the brain just as much as it does in other areas of our body, and dirty talking – which conjures up these images in our mind – helps us get there.
Consider the four nuggets of foolproof advice below – think of it as a roadmap for gossip, if you need the navigation.
# 1: Bring the act of dirty talk into your sexual consciousness. If this is your thing, or if you think it might be your partner’s thing, this is something you can present before you even touch the sheets. Test the waters on cheeky text to start; communicating in writing is undoubtedly less intimidating than face-to-face. It’s also easier to carefully choose exactly what you want to say.
# 2: Have safety phrases in your back pocket. The ones that are generic enough to be applicable to a wide range of scenarios, but creative enough that they sound tailored. Otherwise, act like a journalist and return the questions to the person asking them. ” How do you feel ? You can counter, or, “Tell me more …”
# 3: Don’t overthink it. Instead of trying to come up with an incredibly smart yet sexy answer, think about what really makes you feel good. And if you say it sincerely, it will translate for sure. Ask yourself: what else are you feeling at this time? What turns you on? Just say it. (Unless it’s an ex’s name. Keep it to yourself).
# 4: Don’t take it too seriously. Does talking about taxes turn you on? Strange flex, but go for it! Play a pizza joke, if that’s your thing! Assuming you’re having sex with someone you feel comfortable with (and if you don’t, go immediately), this is something you should enjoy. Now that you have the tools, it’s time to start having fun. Words; they’re pretty awesome, huh?
Read more: The awkward sex moments everyone experiences but no one talks about
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