Sex chronicle: “He wants to try dirty talk but I don’t have enough confidence in myself”

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Dirty words make you feel your tongue tied? (Photo: Neill Webb)

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and sex has become quite repetitive.

Although we have a quick orgasm, we both think it could be more arousing. I suggested introducing sex toys and his suggestion was to talk dirty, which I didn’t expect from him.

We also like the idea of ​​getting dressed, but I’m stumped on the sexual discussions so we agreed to compromise and get on with it.

There are many books on enhancing Dirty Roulette sex, but I think my problem is a lack of self-confidence. How can I improve this?

Compromise means finding things that you love to do together, so if talking dirty doesn’t make you feel good, don’t.

“Is it the ‘talking’ or the ‘dirty’ that bothers you? James McConnachie asks. “Because dirty can mean degrading, which some people like, but it’s pretty specialized. I don’t see sex as dirty from a distance.

We would even say that repeating insincere lines is the opposite of embodying sexual confidence, which is the ability to give and receive the emotions that come with intimacy.

“When faced with a dirty talker, I guess they’ve watched too much porn or want to pretend they’re in a porn movie,” says Rupert Smith.

“It’s an unpopular point of view, but I wonder if people are hiding behind folds, costumes and rude language to avoid being truly and vulnerable to another human being.”

If you are looking for consensual pleasure, there is nothing wrong with having sex without any kind of deep connection, but in the context of a relationship, that’s a problem.

Since sexual confidence also requires confidence and experience, which is best built in small, safe steps, we suggest that you focus on the conversation and let go of the dirty aspect. For example, “I love it when you…” is a good way to start a sentence.

“Telling someone what you want, what you like and how you feel is a great path to higher-level, more honest sex,” says McConnachie.

Woman with finger on lips on a bright pink background

Focus on the conversation before trying to get it dirty (Photo: Getty Images / EyeEm)

It also looks like you’re missing out on the long, slow meander through the different stages of arousal, so try out different ways of having sex.

“Stop right before orgasm so you can extend the time you spend together,” says Dr. Angharad Rudkin. “The privacy and freedom that this longer process gives you can help you feel more fulfilled. ”

While sex toys are fun, they’re nothing more than props that help tell a story but aren’t the whole story, she adds.

“The most important thing to work on is your story,” she says. “Who are you and what do you like about yourself?” Sex will improve as you connect with what is unique in you.

 

Connoisseurs

Dr Angharad Rudkin is a clinical psychologist

James mcconnachie is the author of Sex (Rough Guides)

Rupert smith is the author of Interlude (Turnaround)

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