Quick and Dirty Q’s of the Savage Love Livestream


Illustration by Jack Raybuck

I want to thank everyone who attended our third Savage Love Livestream last Saturday night. Mistress Matisse was our very special guest and we broached many questions about BDSM during ninety very lively minutes. We could not all question-there were so many—but I will now, as promised, deal with as much leftover livestream as possible in this week’s column …

Dear Dan: You say that people have to be in “good working order” to be in a relationship. What if you are never going to be “in good working order” because of a mental health issue?

Having a mental health problem is not proof that a person is not or cannot be in good working order; likewise, not having a mental health problem is not proof that a person is in good working order. I mean, we all know people without mental health issues who walk in disaster. Now, a person with a mental health condition who refuses to get help or continue taking their medication might not be functioning well enough to nurture or maintain a relationship. But taking care of ourselves is one of the most important ways to show that we are, in fact, healthy enough to be fucking, dating, or getting married. Or all three. Far from proving that you are not fit to be in a relationship, having a mental health issue that you are doing something about – having one or more that you are actively dealing with – is proof that you are in good shape. functioning.

Dear Dan: I am a bi widower and not just anyone. While teaching a zoom course to young people, I accidentally left a tab open that said “gay”. One of the students alerted me in the chat and I closed it right away. It was embarrassing and embarrassing. Should I just ignore it or fix it somehow?

If you wanted to go out, you could take this opportunity to do so. If you don’t want to go out, well you don’t have to, gay tab or no gay tab. Unless the parents complain and demand an explanation, you are free to ignore this. And if someone assumes you’re gay because they’ve seen a gay tab, well, you’re free to tell them they’re wrong… because you’re not gay, you’re bi.

Dear Dan: I’m more into BDSM than my huzzben. He likes it, but he doesn’t initiate the game. How can I encourage him to be the instigator of rough Dirty Roulette sex? We have negotiated limits and safety words, but he finds the use of restraints and toys to be too much work!

From your huzzben made it clear that restraints and toys are too much work, I would advise relieving him of the burden of tying up and shoving toys up your ass by finding a third party who appreciates your sprains and / or regularly attends games with or without your husband, at the end of the pandemic, of course. Who knows? Your husband might not like doing the job of tying you up, but he might like to hug you (or someone else) while someone else does the job of tying you up.

Dear Dan: If my fiancé bought a house, do we say “We bought a house”? I was laid off at the start of the pandemic, but her career took off and she is proud to be able to afford a house on her own. So how do you keep things respectful while honoring its accomplishment? She wants the house to look like mine too. (I’m a guy.)

To casual acquaintances, you might say, “Hey, we’ve got a new place. To your close friends and family, you might say, “She is doing so well that she bought this house.” I am really proud of her and I am so lucky to be with her ”. Hell, you could say these things to casual acquaintances and close friends interchangeably because both are true. And assuming you live in marital status, Mr. Dude, the house also becomes yours after you get married. In the meantime, you can earn some equity (and owner’s credit) by taking the initiative to fix the place.

Dear Dan: I have a question about the “at-risk, tech-savvy youth” working on the Savage Lovecast. Wouldn’t it be nicer to just call them tech-savvy kids? What do they think of having the label “at risk” applied? It sure gives you a maybe deserved pat on the back, but I can’t help but think that a little bit of stigma could be detrimental. I was an ‘at risk’ youth myself and although I enjoyed and benefited from programs specially created to help adolescents / young people in my situation, I was always very aware that it made me feel ‘less than’. and like I was in need of special treatment.

I wasn’t trying to congratulate myself when I started calling the kids who worked on Lovecast “tech-savvy, at-risk youth.” It was just a joke – maybe not funny – because they were certainly all tech-savvy of course, but the only risk they ran was being in the same room with me. I’m sorry if this joke reminds you of a time in your life when you felt “less than”.

Dear Dan: We have a friend who could be a unicorn. They have already subtly expressed their interest although they are generally possessive and should be “number one” in a relationship. We are interested but we fear that their possessiveness will cause problems.

I guess your friend is sexy – I mean, that would explain why you’re willing to ignore how emotionally unsuitable he is for the unicorn role. Because if you are looking for someone to play a sexy but subordinate role in your relationship, if you are not looking for an equal partner and / or if you are not open to your unicorn becoming an equal partner, the last person on earth that you should consider because your unicorn is someone you know to be possessive and interested in being the first, not the last.

Dear Dan: I am a 27 year old gay / poly woman from New York. My question: I used to babysit my friend’s baby. And when I showed up for babysitting, her husband was there to let me into the apartment and we chatted for ten minutes before he left for work. I don’t babysit anymore, but sometimes he texts me a picture of the baby and I say, “So cute! It seemed normal. But one day he texted me two selfies. I didn’t answer because I found it weird. Is this something I should mention to my friend? I can’t tell if it’s weird enough to talk to her. Or is there something I should have told him?

You don’t know what’s going on in your friend’s relationship – maybe flirting with other people is okay – but do you know what you think about her husband sending you your selfies: you don’t like it . If your silence wasn’t enough to end it and he sends you more pictures and / or messages that make you uncomfortable, tell him to stop. If he can’t, tell him that he won’t give you any choice but to alert his wife. If he still doesn’t succeed, alert his wife.

Dear Dan: I am 39 years old, cis and female. COVID has really exploded my libido. I have masturbated twice in the past four months. I guess my question is… do you think things will get back to normal? Please tell me yes.


Dear Dan: I have impostor syndrome when I go to rope jams and the like, but I really like the kinkster community. Can I go to evil events even if I have trouble identifying my perverts?

As long as you are respectful, as long as you don’t gape, take pictures without permission, or make shocked faces, you are more than welcome in most big evil events. Sometimes the hosts of smaller, more intimate games have rules that would prohibit the presence of someone who had no problems or who had not yet identified their problems; at small parties, the host may want everyone to be in a certain type of equipment or interested in a certain type of game. If you are wondering if you are welcome to observe the game at an event or of a particular rope jam, email the organizers and ask.

Dear Dan: I have a friend who wanted to play pets and talked about being a cow and bought breast pumps to try and start lactation. Do you have any tips on how to safely support her in this area? I’m potentially open to playing with her, if that’s safe, and I’m curious that she can even start breastfeeding.

Do people keep cows as pets? Anyway, according to the La Leche League, regular use of a breast pump can “induce lactation”, which is “the official term for making milk without pregnancy or childbirth.” So, the sooner your friend starts using this pump, the sooner she can pretend to be your hot and horny pet cow.

Thanks again to everyone who joined us for the livestream and we’ll be scheduling another one very soon!

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Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage.


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