How to talk dirty (without wanting to die)
While dirty talk seems to come easily to some people, to the rest of us it can seem (extremely) awkward and unnatural, especially when we are first starting out. As with any other sexual situation, no one should do something if it really makes them uncomfortable, but if you’re just curious but nervous, here are some great ways to get you started in a whole new form of conversation.
Start slowly …
“These things take practice! Says sexual health advocate, director and performer of adult films Jessica drake. “The moans are great, followed by things like, ‘Yes sss… and’ right there ‘, or’ lower! Drake says what works best here is using phrases and terminology that are part of your normal vocabulary, just stress their Dirty Roulette sexy side.
“Describe something your partner is doing at the time,” she says. “For example, ‘I love it when you ________’ and ‘Your ______ is so ______!’ It’s like the adult Mad Libs!
It can also be fun to use any swear words that come to mind when you fantasize. “If there ever was a time for the F word, it’s now,” said Drake. “Even if you breathe it gently into your lover’s ear, it can have a big impact.”
… even quietly
Building from a slow burn also applies to the tone of voice, which is so important when speaking poorly. “No one wants to be yelled at by a drill sergeant when you go into business (unless you’re into that sort of thing!)” Says Miss Foxx United Kingdom, a pro dominatrix and expert in kink on the iWantPhone.com Platform. “Try speaking very slowly and sensually, whispering mean words into your partner’s ear and emphasizing words like ‘hard’, ‘wet’ and ‘lips’. It will really stimulate your partner! she says.
Or go solo to start
“You have to get used to saying the words, feeling them roll over your tongue, hearing them come out of your mouth,” says Laurel House, dating coach and resident sexpert for My first blush. “One way to get in is to talk to yourself out loud as you masturbate. Make yourself comfortable with it. Then slowly start making a statement or asking a dirty talk style question while having sex, ”she says. Don’t force yourself too much, you don’t have to go all the way and talk throughout your sex session after all.
Remember no one is recording this
“Find absolute comfort in the fact that no one already hear you say those words again, ”says fetish model and adult artist Allie Eve Knox. “So no matter how bad you are at it, no one is going to replay the time you described that very dirty experience.”
Let them take the lead
If you’re really uncomfortable sharing dirty talk with your partner, then make yourself comfortable by mirroring their tone. A simple comment like “Mmmm, that makes me so hot / hard / humid” can keep things spicy and going well. “Shorter is better, especially when you widen your comfort zone,” says Antonia Hall, MA, psychologist, relationship expert and author of The ultimate guide to a multi-orgasmic life. If you ask complicated questions that force your partner to stop and think, it might actually break the flow and the mood.
“If you want inspiration, try reading erotica,” she says. “Or if you’re feeling particularly brave, read it to your partner as a foreplay and let it go from there.”
Eye contact, Eye contact, Eye contact
“If you want to know if what you’re saying is having the desired effect, don’t be afraid to look your partner in the eye as you say these flirty words,” Foxx says. “But make sure you don’t look like a deer in the headlights, be relaxed and confident with what you say.”
Ask what you want
If there is something you dreamed of, express it and ask for what you want. “It can amplify the action in the form of requests,” Drake says, suggesting options such as “Spank me!” (if you like that) “Fold me and _____” or “Do you want ______ my _______? ”
There is nothing prohibited as long as it is true of who you and your partner are. “I think being able to talk dirty in bed starts with being comfortable in your own skin,” says adult star Daizha Morgann. Be vocal and authentic.
“Never do an elaborate false act – your partner will sense it and question their ability to really make you feel good,” Morgann says. You don’t need to play a role when you hit the sheets. Be you, just a more amplified and fearless version of yourself. If you are normally the type of person who says “shit”, when you hit your toe, don’t feel like you have to be too vulgar in bed.
Don’t think too much about it
Don’t overthink it, go with the flow and say what you think. “Tell your partner how much he turns you on, how good that push is, how hot his body is, and how mean he makes you feel,” Morgann says.
“The biggest sexual rant I hear from my male and female followers is about the dreaded ‘silent sex’. Sex should be a time to really let go, physically and mentally! Start slowly as you brace yourself for some dirty talk, with playful moans and chatter, and you’ll really get to know a side of yourself that’s been dying to hang out.
Enlarge the scene
Talking dirty isn’t just for the bedroom. What better way to turn your partner on than sending a few dirty text messages during the day? Classics are classics for a reason, says Foxx. “Telling them what you’re going to wear and what you want to do to them after they get home never fails to have the desired effect,” she says. Just make sure you send a message to the right person before you hit send!
Build your way
Rude talk is most effective when you create images so vivid that your fantasies seem real and in the moment. Details and description can help you get there. “Outline too much every step you would do, from looking at them across the room, to undressing your partner, to the sexy things you want to do to them tonight,” Knox says. Describe the five senses you want to experience: the smell, the taste of their body, etc. And then, let go.
To further improve your game, Drake suggests watching an adult movie together and providing commentary as you do, then ask your partner if you’d like you to do the acts you watch on him.
Most important: don’t stress
The whole point of dirty talk is to have fun. “Sex is fun, awkward, hot, messy, funny and everything in between. If you say the wrong words or talk too dirty, you feel cheesy, laugh it off and keep going, ”Drake says.
Aly Walansky is a New York lifestyle writer. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @alywalansky.