Dirty Talk Q&A: How to Communicate What You Want and How You Want It
Being honest can be difficult at times. This can be especially difficult when it comes to taboo topics like sex. However, communicating what you want from your partner (s) can open the door to fulfilling your true fantasies and lead to a healthy and vibrant sex life.
You might expect these types of conversations to be awkward, and although they can sometimes be, you’d be surprised at how much better you’ll feel just to keep it all talking, rather than submitting yourself to an eternity. vanilla Dirty Roulette sex. (But hey, if vanilla is your flavor of choice, then that’s something that should be communicated too!)
We’ve had questions this week about being open about what you want in bed and we’re going to give you our two cents. If you have any other questions about sex or relationships for us, send them through our anonymous Google form.
Q: “I just started seeing this new guy, and he’s super passive in bed. I’m someone who really likes dominant types so how can I get him to brutalize me a bit? “
Annie: First of all, you need to sit her down and explain to her what turns you on. It is important to let her know how you would like to be treated in bed, and also that it is okay to treat you in a way that may not be accepted outside of the bedroom. As long as everything is legal and consensual, the rules are yours to decide. Just be sure to take into account their desires and limitations as well, so that both can be satisfied. He may not feel comfortable being more aggressive or experimenting with different positions or methods. If so, you need to work together to find a happy medium. Remember that relationships require compromise.
Maya: Oddly enough, this question reminds me of how history is full of violence against women (an obscurity of our society that endures today). Now, in your situation, you want your man to be dominant. In a sense, it also makes you dominant. This has to do with the novelty of female agency, how women now hold equal power with men, as well as sexual liberation, allowing them to be free in their sexual exploration. What was used against us is now reversed, as centuries-old misogynistic violence has become a power women can control in the bedroom.
In fact, regardless of your gender, having a say in how you want to express your sexuality is in control. Whether you find yourself more aroused in the dominant or passive role, it becomes your power during sex. The dynamic between the two parties comes from you by asserting your agency and being transparent about your desires. Keeping those desires locked up will leave you stuck in a progressive vacuum towards dissatisfaction and repression of your right to sexual expression.
Assert yourself and make your sexual desires heard and also make room for her right to this power. Create a boundary guideline on what type of “brutage” you’re excited about and give him the speaking space to voice his concerns or questions about how far you want him to go. Are slaps your limit? Some scratches ? Whips? Tell her exactly what you are looking for and what you are not looking for.
It’s also good to make sure that you don’t put everything on him too quickly, too bluntly. If you say he tends to be more reserved, your man might naturally instinctively panic. Plus, he’s a new guy, you say? The longer the relationship, the more open and understanding he will be to your requests for BDSM-type experimentation, or as far as you want to go. If you haven’t seen yourself for a long time, someone who isn’t ready to do so may find it easier to shut it down completely. This is something to keep in mind.
There is nothing wrong with being a little demanding on your fantasies, because even though you are already having fun doing the act with your sexual partner, the heights of satisfaction that you can achieve are almost endless. With the possibility that you have to talk verbally about what each of you wants, why limit yourself? Enjoy the wildly experimental world of sex, while staying within the confines of reality.
Q: “My girlfriend is, surprisingly, bad enough to eat me out. I don’t want to insult her femininity or her lesbianism by criticizing her in bed, but I’m not sure how to tell her that what she’s doing there really isn’t my cup of tea. How do I tell her it’s about SUCKING the pussy, not licking the clit? “
Maya: Let me start by saying this is a more appropriate question for Annie, so take a look at her much more reliable answer just below mine. To me, it’s honestly so much sexier when two people learn and practice each other’s gateways to their individual pleasures. Again, comes open communication and crystal clear honesty. Sex is not a simple act and the intricacies that come with determining your partner’s pleasure points are what lead to the most rewarding experiences. Now on our lesbian resident™.
Annie: Thanks Maya! As a member of the lesbian community, I can say that the fear of not being seen as “gay enough” is so real. However, if worded correctly, you can avoid insulting your girlfriend’s lesbianism while expressing your desires and criticizing her oral skills. The best advice I can give you is that when you decide to have this conversation with her, don’t phrase it like she is doing something wrong. Instead, explain that you are interested in trying something new, and that you are curious to see if a different method works better. It distracts from its abilities and instead makes it seem like you’re just trying to change things up in the bedroom.
Also, even if you prefer to suck rather than lick, keep in mind that everyone’s genitals are different and have different sensitivities. There are many factors that come into play in oral pleasure. To name a few, you need to consider the formation, location, pressure, speed, and shape of the tongue. She may focus on your clit because that’s what she prefers, so she assumes that you like her too, or she may not know there is another way to do it.
Try asking her what she likes sexually, as this might lead her to ask you the same question. If she answers the question, you can take the opportunity to explain how you like to be eaten out. It is important to learn the excitement of your partners, especially in a committed relationship. It not only improves sex, but increases the intimacy between you.
Whichever direction you decide to take with the conversation – whether it’s a more direct approach or the more subtle strategy I explained above – be sure to reassure her that your critiques don’t mean you love her less and don’t make her any less strange. .
(Also, while the tongue plays an important role in lesbian sex, remember that your girlfriend has fingers to help you out, too, if needed.)
Maya and Annie
Graphic presented by Sara Mizannojehdehi.