A beginner’s guide to dirty talk

(Photo: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Dirty speech.

You know this is a good idea. You know it’s likely to make sex hotter. You know that once you get down to it, it will be a huge excitement.

It’s just the beginning that is tricky.

Suddenly the Dirty Roulette sex chat is intimidating, to say the least.

There is the fear that you will say something bad, that you will look ridiculous, that what you find sexy in your head is actually rubbish. It’s scary to take a risk and talk, but it’s definitely worth it when it works.

Don’t dismiss dirty talk as something that isn’t right for you. If you are curious about this, it is worth a try. Here is a beginner’s guide to help you overcome the embarrassment.

1. Start with noises

If you are usually quiet during sex, you will need to get used to hearing yourself while making noise.

Relax and let yourself moan or breathe a little harder. If you feel the urge to make noise, consciously tell yourself to let it out rather than hold it back.

Just blowing out a few “ohs” is a huge step.

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(Photo: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

2. Chat when you’re not having sex about what you’re all comfortable with

It doesn’t sound sexy, we know, but it’s crucial.

If you want to start experimenting with dirty talk, having a good discussion with your partner is essential to find out what they are comfortable with and what is definitely off limits.

They can be immediately repelled by the word “dad”, for example. Calling your partner a “slut” can be very exciting, or it can make him feel incredibly disrespectful. It is better to find out now rather than in full sex.

It’s also handy to establish sex as a non-judgmental zone, where you can feel free to try dirty talk without worrying that your partner will read everything you say.

To do this, you establish that if you say something that your partner is uncomfortable with, or vice versa, they are allowed to say “it doesn’t work for me” (or find a password to express that feeling), then you’ll move on – whatever you’ve said won’t come up again, there will be no judgment, and no one has to feel like a nutcase or a prudish for their initial reaction.

3. Describe what you would like to do

Think of it as a prompt for your dirty first speech.

When you take off your clothes, kiss, and work with anticipation, that’s when the sex conversation works its magic.

Tell your partner what you want to do, or what you want to do, in detail.

Some examples: “I want you to fuck me until I moan”, “I will tie you up and have you completely under my control”, “I want you to dominate me”, “I” I will ‘kiss everywhere’.

During foreplay, talking ahead is the goal. It’s about creating anticipation for what’s to come.

4. During sex, focus on compliments and description

“You feel so good” is a classic, but you can make things warmer by getting more specific.

So rather than “you feel so good” you can say “I like the way your X feels against my X”. X’s in this case can be filled with body parts, but also descriptive words – hot, soft, hard.

Then you can make your partner feel like he’s really seen (which is hot, for your information), by complimenting something unique about that moment of sex with him. So ‘I love the way you moan when I fuck you from behind’ or ‘It’s so hot when you [insert thing they do that is a massive turn-on]’.

(Photo: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

(Photo: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

5. Ask them what they like

Hey, dirty talk is not a one-person show.

Ask them if they like what you do, ask them what they want, ask them to get involved in the role play (so if they like domination tell them to call you dad or ask them to tell you that they do what you want. You get the idea).

Having dirty talk to be back and forth reduces the pressure on you to deliver all the dirt and it has the added benefit of turning you on. Beautiful.

6. Don’t panic if there is silence

It doesn’t matter if your mind goes blank or they don’t answer one of your sexy questions – for a lot of people, sex makes you dumb rather than talkative.

Don’t start to worry and feel like you have to fill the silence with whatever comes to mind. Focus on the physical side of things a bit, relax and let the words come out if you feel like it.

7. If this sounds awkward and out of place, you don’t have to say it.

There is no rulebook for dirty talk, and what turns a person on can make you look downright ridiculous.

This is great if you hate swearing or can’t find a word for “vagina” that doesn’t make you cringe.

Say what feels natural to you and don’t force yourself to look like that person you’ve seen in porn or a character in an erotic novel.

Dirty talk is meant to be fun. Shape it to fit who you are, not the other way around.

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